Internal vs. External Drivers
A self awareness has dawned on me, and it only took eight years of talk therapy.
Much of my professional life was driven by what others thought of me and my work. That’s how I got paid; I conducted interviews, I wrote research reports, I completed projects. I answered clients’ questions with specificity.
“Your paychecks don't mean that much to me”
Lyric from This Girl by Cookin' on 3 Burners and Kungs
Extrinsic Motivators
I’ve learned, slowly, (through basic talk therapy with a highly empathic and over- qualified shrink), that I was aiming to please and impress; I was driven by the esteem of fat paychecks. Early in my career, I loved explaining to people what User Experience Research was, I loved saying “I work in consumer high-tech.” I had something to prove. I felt important.
But twenty-four years in and eight layoffs later, I started to lose my resiliency. I felt like I was burnt-out, overworked, and on a treadmill going nowhere fast. I had no serious relationship partner, no pets, and I was 3000 miles from family, on purpose. I discovered that I suffered from anhedonia among other ailments like high-anxiety, and learned -the hard way - that even my indulgent activities fell short of providing me comfort. What used to work for me, (ahem, smoking lots of weed) no longer did.
Intrinsic Motivators
Now I’ve devoted a lot of my waking hours to the craft of writing; in my journal, with writing groups, in classes I’ve taken, in training I’ve signed up for. I maintain a spreadsheet of how much money and time I’ve dedicated to it and it seems to total (thus far) about the equivalent of two MFA degrees.
The thing is, I enjoy it! Yes, I am striving to get published, to be known widely, to have my name roll off the tongue right behind Anne Lamott and Mary Karr, but even if that never happens, I am a happier person. Go figure.
Yet, living on a fixed income proves challenging. And, many of my mentors talk about finding “my why” and writing a “mission-driven” book: something for the good of others.
I have to admit I am just not there yet. Right now I am doing this for me, as a means of survival.