I'm Good At Waiting

It's an art, some might even say it's a Mindful Practice

Mindful Practice? I know that’s bullshit, (for me, at least.) It’s what I was taught to be: Mindful. (More accurately, be obedient!) Sure —of course— it’s come in handy. I’ve learned how to count down the days, the hours, the minutes, how to distract myself from the frustration. Kind of like the little children in the Marshmallow study. I’m good at waiting.

My whole life I’ve waited for others. Waited for things to happen. Waited on my dad to get orders. Waited for the movers to come. Waited for school to start. Waited for Christmas. Waited for acceptance/rejection letters. Waited for the client to approve the research brief. Waited to be laid off, again. Waited for the offer letter. Waited for the seasons to change. Waited for the weather to clear. Waited for the package to be delivered. Waited for the second season of the show to drop. Waiting for a new leadership team to take over, waiting for an ineffective one to leave.

The only constant in life is change, and I’ve grown pretty darn good at waiting for things to change. They always do.

This year I’ll be 55, and my precious time here on earth is running out. I sometimes grow impatient with myself.

Once, when I was in the corporate world, our employer held a leadership conference for managers and above. The guest speaker was Mike Robbins, author of Nothing Changes Until You Do, and other titles that sit on the self-help shelf. His talk was moving, and I was crying - right there amongst my esteemed managers and colleagues. Embarrassing.

(video caption) Mother Truckers singing waiting on a friend by the rolling stones. I don’t even play guitar, but doesn’t she kinda look like me?

The action item after that conference was to pick one of the things we learned that day and implement it immediately. I chose to write a letter to my staff of two, apologizing for being a bad manager! I had been caught up in deadlines, deliverables! I’d been overlooking them as people. I confessed my remorse, and promised to do better.

Ultimately, that letter led to my dismissal from the company. This was proof, in writing, that I’d been a bad manager. One of my staff had shared it with HR, and within a month or so, I was laid off.

This was over a decade ago, and I’ve since forgiven myself. And, I’ve changed! I work for myself now. While it’s true that “nothing changes until you do,” and, “change is the only constant,” how can those two true-isms exist, together and simultaneously?

The world I live in is full of mystery and unknown.

I still - quite often, feel angst and anxiety waiting on that invoice to be paid, or that friend to return a text. Ah, but now I just write it out. Put it on the page, recognize what’s happening for me. Go for a walk, set a timer. Start another project, text a different friend. I frequently have to tell my brain, outloud:

“We’re done thinking about this right now. Let’s think about something else.”

So what does this have to do with My Writing Life?

I’m waiting for my book to come together at its own pace, with its own meaning. Yes, I am doing the work, but I’ve released the “productivity” and “deadline” mindset, and am stepping into the “it’s a practice” zone.

Every time I write, or re-vision, or “play” with my work, I’m allowing the work to tell me what it wants to be.

Sounds woo-woo. I know.

That’s because it is.